I’ve learned to build up my self-love and confidence over this period of time and I really do know my worth. I’m just scared to open up my heart again.
I’m torn between “well it was your decision to stay or even start it” versus “had you made different choices, maybe things would’ve been different” but then I just gotta keep reminding myself to stay grounded with the fact that if God didnt allow me to go through all that in my journey, I wouldn’t have known what I know now or been able to grow into the woman I am today.
Blessings can definitely be hidden in all these mysteries.
I miss you sometimes but I did what’s best for my heart and mental health and that’s me loving myself… more than I have the past 4 years.
A part of me feels like I didn’t fight hard enough and maybe that’s why I’m in this situation. Damn.
sunday morning thoughts
Why is this so cringy-feeling for me? I’ve been out of my a-game for a while but dang, did it always feel like this? Or am I just not as bold as before?
I guess I do have to factor in how much I’ve changed and growed, but why does it feel like I’ve gotten way more conservative?
I’ve done this before, but why am I so scared? Maybe it’s because I’m still healing? Maybe I’m not ready to put myself out there yet? Am I ready to be vulnerable? Am I ready to be raw and unfiltered?
This time last year, I don’t know what I was doing and I wasn’t ready. I was in a wishy-washy state of mind with my heart out of place. Almost a year later, I definitely have come to understand why. And after some me time and embracing the single life again, I know what I want and clearly know what I don’t deserve.
Clean slate —
What have I got to lose? I know my worth, I know what I value. If it’s not part of His plan, then it’s not. Thank you, next.
But, then there’s that question that keeps trickling in ~ “what if it is?” It could be an opportunity for something new, or something greater than I would have ever imagined.
I entered this year w/ so much hope and plans for me to grow. And even though the obstacles of life have gotten in the way of a lot of things, I don’t wanna waste the last 3 months of this year sulking, regretting, thinking “what if”.
I know to be patient and to trust His timing, I know to not doubt in what He can do. All the while, I know that I also have to do my part.
And whatever outcome comes out of this, this is me doing so.
/end
Post event.
I honestly was hoping to talk to KAG and I did. We had a such a good convo and it was nice to officially meet him. Gah, I just wish I had more time yo.
New beginnings.
In all honesty, I am terrified… yet, I am excited! It’s bittersweet. I don’t know what will happen or where this goes from here but I’m trusting the process and if it’s meant to be, it will be cause I know that He has a plan.
sometimes u need a little alone time to re-build urself and remember who the fuck you are and that’s okay
(via stevenbong)
I’m really trying to get out of any toxicity around me and within me. Cause really, I do believe this will help me be a better version of myself.
I’ve spent so much time dealing and tolerating it and I am so done. So so done.
So excuse me if I’m gonna defend myself, stand up for what I value and believe is right, and speak my mind against you.
It’s only been about three months since we basically said goodbye. And reflecting upon everything, I can see how much happier I’ve gotten by letting go and letting God take over.
I’m starting to see and believe that this was the best choice for myself and that if I didn’t start choosing myself again, I would be a wreck.
I’m starting to see and believe that this was the best choice for Us and that if we didn’t let go, We would be a wreck.
It’s taken some time to live life without but at least I know that I can. And it seems like you can too.
I still miss you sometimes, but it doesn’t make my heart ache anymore. I still wish you well, hope that you’re growing into the man you’re supposed to be, and pray that you’re happy as well. Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
To you //
You’ve been on my mind more frequently lately. Maybe it’s because it’s your birthday and usually I’d be preparing something for you. Or maybe because about one year I screwed things up between us.
I regret it but know I can’t go back in time, I know what’s done is done. And who knows, maybe this was what was best for us.
One thing I notice is that when I think of you, my heart isn’t as heavy, it doesn’t ache nor is it angry. Because I’m choosing to be happy, choosing to live my life, and choosing to become the best version of myself. & Even though I still wonder where you are, how you are, and who you’re becoming… I just hope and pray that you’re safe and happy — genuinely happy.
I miss you, I do. I still care about you, I still love you. But I’ll keep my word, keep my distance and continue to pray for you — for that’s all I can really do.
//
I’m more worried of me breaking your heart rather than you breaking mine.
Finally logged back onto my tumblr account after… 4 years or so? I noticed I had some drafts that I didn’t post and I’m pretty sure the last few of them were from 2016. Just like this one…
About 4 years later, I’m honestly disappointed in myself. I read this and think… wow I let my biggest fear come true. If I had just waited patiently, if I had just been more prayerful, if I had believed more and had more faith in Us, if I had just fulfilled my promise to be strong for you… I wouldn’t be sitting here late at night all up in my thoughts feeling this way, missing you.
it’s okay to miss someone that left you
it’s okay to miss someone that hurt you
it’s okay to miss someone that let you down
it’s okay to miss someone that’s no longer around
it’s okay to miss someone that never deserved you
it’s okay to miss someone
because at one point, they were there for you. they were a big part of your life. they were exactly what you needed. they did something that changed you. they made you happy, for however long—you can’t always just leave that behind.
it might’ve ended bad, but it started off good: it’s okay to miss people you feel like you shouldn’t miss.
just don’t let it consume you.
— alhwrites
(via stevenbong)
“Making someone laugh after they’ve just finished crying, is one of the most painfully beautiful things to ever exist.”
(via stevenbong)
"You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness."
— Julia Roberts (via quotemadness)
(Source: quotemadness.com, via quotemadness)
